Life's Persistent Questions

Question: blame it on the government?

Haven't heard from a certain person for a long time now. It occurred to me perhaps she is finally gotten engaged. Well, it HAS been a year. Moving on is probably good and it would make things less awkward when our paths cross again, which will be inevitable. If so, I imagine this must be the greatest time in her life, reaching milestones in both her personal and professional life. I'm happy for you, you deserve it all.

A lot of introspection and projection on my part. San Francisco no longer the dream, the ultimate fulfillment it once was. The emptiness is still there, demanding as ever. Will the answer be research in a new lab? Fellowship on the other side of the country? Perhaps even volunteering and missions? Why is it so difficult to make myself content and happy?

A revelation came as I watched my roommate's interaction with his father. He is also an only child, and I see shadows of myself in him and the way he orders and reacts to his father. My flaws are many, but one of the biggest was a fear of rejection. It is paralyzing and wrecks havoc in my social interactions. Looking back, my parents, and my extended family are nothing but nurturing. Despite their divorce, my parents clearly loved me. But it is precisely because I am the only child, the oldest child in the extended family, I never had to worry about competing for people's affection and being rejected. I expect unconditioned love from those close to me, their acceptance despite my imperfections, that I am intensely insecure in front of strangers. I wonder if this is true of other only childs. Do only childs have more difficulty with intimate relationships? Do they over-achieve to compensate for their fear of rejection? Can I blame my ineptitude in relationship on my parents reproductive decisions? Can I blame everything wrong with my life on the Chinese government and its One Child policy? I hope not.

posted by hedgehog @ 1:32 AM