THE Question.
Still in search for that purpose and meaning in life. Am I defined by how others perceive me? Is my sense of self worth so dependent on what others think? Do I seek to be approved? This IS what I have been doing for most of my life. Approval from parents, teachers, coaches, and attendings. But this clearly will not last, not to mention is incredibly depressing. Do I want to be feared then? It is easy to do. Quick put downs, clever come backs, unpredictable burst of anger and an air of superiority are within my usual repertoire. I have been guilty of plenty in the past, but fear is draining, on me and those around me. Fear does not equal respect. Then, is it admiration what I am seeking? A life long over-achiever, I seek out areas that I excel, and try to be the best. Perhaps more than the approval from my elders, I want the admiration from my peers. "I am better than you." "I am smarter than you." "Look up to me." Admiration can be done from a distant, like a star, the light is bright but cold, and others don't have to get too close to me. No one gets hurt. But it hasn't been enough, has it? Do I secretly yearn to be loved more than feared or admired? Is that what I have been missing?No, I refuse to believe that my life is defined by perception of others. The answer must be from within. All my life, I have been driven from within, whether it is fear, competitiveness, ego or vanity (but mostly fear). That is what is missing right now, FEAR. I'm not scared anymore by work/career. There is no more make-or-break tests that I have to ace. No more best school I have to enter. No more interviewer that I have to impress in 15 minutes or my life "would be over." I can be on cruise control and my life would be golden. What would motivate me now? The search continues.
posted by hedgehog @ 2:50 AM
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