Life's Persistent Questions

Reflection on the new year

As the clock was ticking down towards midnight on the eve of new year, I was stuck in a room watching paint dry, um sorry I meant, watching orthopods operate. But thanks to one kind attending, I got a break for 15 minutes around midnight. I celebrated with nacho chips and apple juice and a view of fire works by the bay bridge from the 13th floor of the hospital. Nearly everyone on-call in the five ICUs was there. Heart-warming, really.

For a long time I couldn't remember what I did last NYE. I remember the year before--a friend's place in Downtown Chicago (not to mention the nauseating drive to work 5 hours later). I remember the one before that--as a lonely tourist wondering in Taipei. Then it came to me. Maybe the memory was hidden because it was the beginning of the end. 12/31/2009 had some warm moments, a familiar face, few laughters, of course arguments, but a lot of silent angst on my part. Despite my years of trying, telepathy remained a weakness of mine, unspoken feelings stayed unspoken and my NYE ended up awkwardly and alone. Looking back things could have played out differently, but who can be sure. One year later, everything feels like a life time ago, I'm going through the pieces of my life and having to decide which ones to keep.

When I was younger, I thought my life was going to be a tragedy, based largely on some familial history. Sometime ago, I changed my mind. And up until recently I remained hopeful. Should I be sad that I had been wrong to change my mind? Or should I be satisfied that I had been right all along. I do enjoy saying "I told you so!" So here is one to number one. I am trying but I do recall a time when I was young, unattached, reasonably happy, moderately confident and exceedingly optimistic about the future. My life was not burdened or defined by rejections, heart breaks or tears. I knew who I was, who I was not, what I can do and what I would not do. And I was happy. Maybe I will be happy again.

So for the new year, I am searching for that PURPOSE. Perhaps this has to do with my marathon "Lost" viewing. The show's characters are frequently asking themselves about their purpose and the reason they are on the mysterious island. Purpose, aspiration, meaning of life, are they interchangeable? I am starting to think not. For a long time, my purpose in life has been goals and aspirations, and inevitably it involves the adjective "best." Best student. Best residency. Best anesthesiologist. Is my purpose to merely be the BEST of something? And should I be defined by my relationship to others--to be the best son/friend/husband/father that I can be? I am now doubtful. I suppose it is ironic (or is it inevitable): I am asking for my purpose in life on a blog called Life's persistent questions.

posted by hedgehog @ 9:36 PM