Life's Persistent Questions

Question: How long is eternity?

Has it only been a week? It feels like forever since I last talked to her. Of course, this has also been a busy and stressful week. I'm back on in the OR taking care of sick newborns and infants, and nothing gets one's adrenaline going like a concoction of blue babies and a lack of confidence. The hectic week was a blessing--helped to keep my mind off everything else. Now it's the three-day weekend, and looking back, it seems so long ago that we sat across a table, and shared a set of ear buds listening to TAL. Yet, as I was deleting my daily automated emails from match.com, my mind kept flying back that autumn night in 2003 in the Rendevous Cafe, like it was yesterday. Yes, we won't be talking anymore. I know I can do it now. I also realize the temptation will always be there because of last month, because how easy and how natural it felt. I tell myself it's because of convenience, because of reminiscence, but most importantly, I tell myself it's over. For the rest of my life, if that's what it takes, if that's what she needs to be happy. 7 years had seemed to be forever I barely remember the man I was then. What will I become in 7 years? How about 7 years after that? We all got about a dozen of 7 years before it all runs out, and what lies beyond that? I'm still an atheist, but I imagine it's such midlife contemplations that make agnostics and born-agains out of "sinners" like me. My last date had ended in a quick and merciful rejection. Was I too subdued? Was I too cool? Was I not "athletic and toned" enough? The irony is that I think I am better person now than I was 7 years ago, but maybe that's not good enough. When you are 26 you can afford to be flawed. When you are 33, you don't see potentials, only the imperfections. I know things will work out. Nothing last forever, so I keep telling myself.

posted by hedgehog @ 9:09 PM