Life's Persistent Questions

Question: What's the worst that can happen?

How often do we ask ourselves this question? Well, my answer today was "He won't come off the bypass, and possibly die."

Since starting my cardiac rotation, stress has been my middle name. I haven't done a cardiac case or seen the bypass machine yet, but the anticipation has been almost unbearable. I can say that I'm excited, but really, nerve racking is more like it. The entire concept of stopping someone's heart and lungs is so alien to what a regular anesthesia is trying to achieve it scares the shit out of me. Despite an unusually sunny and beautiful 4th of July and a fun BBQ with friends, my mood has been dark. Life and work are conspiring to make me miserable and I have no one to confess my fear to.

So I finally get a chance to do a CABG tomorrow. After talking to my attending for 20 minutes, he observes, "you looked worried... It would be fun... WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN?" It was at this moment that I realized how awesome my life really is. I get to be a part of a team that put a 65 yo man on complete artificial life support, fix his diseased coronary, and hopefully add another 10 to 15 good years to his life. How many people get to do that? (Okay, my attending did remind me that half million CABGs are done every year in the U.S, so quite a few people.) Nevertheless. Despite the fact that my personal life is in shambles, I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to work and learn along side some of the smartest, unassuming (well some of them), hardworking people in the world. I am where I am now because the decisions I have made in the past, some good (med school and residency) and many not so good (relationship). Yet looking ahead, really "What's the worst that can happen?"

posted by hedgehog @ 9:08 PM