THE Question.
Still in search for that purpose and meaning in life. Am I defined by how others perceive me? Is my sense of self worth so dependent on what others think? Do I seek to be approved? This IS what I have been doing for most of my life. Approval from parents, teachers, coaches, and attendings. But this clearly will not last, not to mention is incredibly depressing. Do I want to be feared then? It is easy to do. Quick put downs, clever come backs, unpredictable burst of anger and an air of superiority are within my usual repertoire. I have been guilty of plenty in the past, but fear is draining, on me and those around me. Fear does not equal respect. Then, is it admiration what I am seeking? A life long over-achiever, I seek out areas that I excel, and try to be the best. Perhaps more than the approval from my elders, I want the admiration from my peers. "I am better than you." "I am smarter than you." "Look up to me." Admiration can be done from a distant, like a star, the light is bright but cold, and others don't have to get too close to me. No one gets hurt. But it hasn't been enough, has it? Do I secretly yearn to be loved more than feared or admired? Is that what I have been missing?
No, I refuse to believe that my life is defined by perception of others. The answer must be from within. All my life, I have been driven from within, whether it is fear, competitiveness, ego or vanity (but mostly fear). That is what is missing right now, FEAR. I'm not scared anymore by work/career. There is no more make-or-break tests that I have to ace. No more best school I have to enter. No more interviewer that I have to impress in 15 minutes or my life "would be over." I can be on cruise control and my life would be golden. What would motivate me now? The search continues.
Question: what's up with monkfish?
Oh, I love monkfish liver. It's SO LUXURIOUSLY TASTY. Sashimi style. Lightly seared. Poach and with ponzu sauce. It's silly good no matter which way you cook it (or not cook it). Monkfish liver has essentially replaced uni as my favorite sushi in a Japanese restaurant. But monkfish itself remains an enigma to me. I have ordered monkfish in Korean restaurants several times, either steamed or in a stew, and I always left disappointed. The meat is chewy and tough, a lot of bones and very little reward. The same cannot be said about the pig. Every part of pig can be tasty. Chops. Loin. Ribs. Intestines. Cheek. Ear. And even, brain. Okay fine, I'm in love with the hog too. How is it possible that one part of the fish can be so heavenly and another so inedible.
Funny how I keep ordering monkfish in the restaurants. I should know better. I wonder if I'm letting my memories and love of its liver cloud my judgment. Yes, the liver was good when I can get it but it's irrational to continue to believe that I can replace my yearning for it with a different part of the fish. Kind of like another problem I have in my life, wanting something that I can't have. Oh well, I guess there is always pork.
Question: What's on the test?
So a new study published in
Science showed that test taking is a better way to retain knowledge than cramming, concept mapping (snicker) or repetitive studying. Cramming is the worst. Guess the fact that I survived medical school tests and passed my board exam actually made me somewhat knowledgeable in the field of medicine. Not sure what it meant that I crammed for those tests--does that negate the benefit of test taking on retention? Seriously, I think the study only demonstrated the benefit of test taking in short term (1 week) and whether its effect on long term memory is unclear. But taking to the extreme, does that mean taking a pop quiz every week will reinforce the memory and have a long term effect? No one would do that these days, right? Wait, my med school did that, oh but that's so 1999.
Question: irony or coincidence?
Sad: the rampage by a mentally ill gunman in Tucson, AZ, last week.
Coincidence: the ABC affiliate in Tucson is KGUN9.
Irony: well, actually, this is not irony, which means "an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected."
Perhaps, it simply reflects the common attitude of people of Tucson towards fire arms, evident by the turnout at the gun show this week. But since I never lived in Tucson, this generalization is likely wrong or too harsh. I don't intend on find out though. In any case, I cannot imagine having a station in San Francisco calling itself KGUN or KNIF.
Reflection on the new year
As the clock was ticking down towards midnight on the eve of new year, I was stuck in a room watching paint dry, um sorry I meant, watching orthopods operate. But thanks to one kind attending, I got a break for 15 minutes around midnight. I celebrated with nacho chips and apple juice and a view of fire works by the bay bridge from the 13th floor of the hospital. Nearly everyone on-call in the five ICUs was there. Heart-warming, really.
For a long time I couldn't remember what I did last NYE. I remember the year before--a friend's place in Downtown Chicago (not to mention the nauseating drive to work 5 hours later). I remember the one before that--as a lonely tourist wondering in Taipei. Then it came to me. Maybe the memory was hidden because it was the beginning of the end. 12/31/2009 had some warm moments, a familiar face, few laughters, of course arguments, but a lot of silent angst on my part. Despite my years of trying, telepathy remained a weakness of mine, unspoken feelings stayed unspoken and my NYE ended up awkwardly and alone. Looking back things could have played out differently, but who can be sure. One year later, everything feels like a life time ago, I'm going through the pieces of my life and having to decide which ones to keep.
When I was younger, I thought my life was going to be a tragedy, based largely on some familial history. Sometime ago, I changed my mind. And up until recently I remained hopeful. Should I be sad that I had been wrong to change my mind? Or should I be satisfied that I had been right all along. I do enjoy saying "I told you so!" So here is one to number one. I am trying but I do recall a time when I was young, unattached, reasonably happy, moderately confident and exceedingly optimistic about the future. My life was not burdened or defined by rejections, heart breaks or tears. I knew who I was, who I was not, what I can do and what I would not do. And I was happy. Maybe I will be happy again.
So for the new year, I am searching for that PURPOSE. Perhaps this has to do with my marathon "Lost" viewing. The show's characters are frequently asking themselves about their purpose and the reason they are on the mysterious island. Purpose, aspiration, meaning of life, are they interchangeable? I am starting to think not. For a long time, my purpose in life has been goals and aspirations, and inevitably it involves the adjective "best." Best student. Best residency. Best anesthesiologist. Is my purpose to merely be the BEST of something? And should I be defined by my relationship to others--to be the best son/friend/husband/father that I can be? I am now doubtful. I suppose it is ironic (or is it inevitable): I am asking for my purpose in life on a blog called Life's persistent questions.
