Question: am I a parenthesis?
Just saw the ending of the movie "Up In the Air." I like how this movie doubles down on bait-and-switches. First, it has George Clooney, who is like Andy Lau of US movies. Most guys could convince themselves to go watch a chick flick with their girlfriends just because he's in it. The ladies then convinced themselves that this was actually a romantic story a la "Jerry Maguire" despite all the coldhearted things Clooney said in the first part of the movie because of the line of "everyone needs a co-pilot." Of course, the movie ends all of this nonsense with "You are an escape. You're a break from our normal lives. You're a parenthesis."
Which makes me wonder these days, "Am I a parenthesis?" Probably. Too bad that I don't have 10,000,000 miles and can go around the world 20 times if I wanted to.
What's the point?
I don't call you anymore. It's easy when I'm swamped during the day, running around work like a chicken without a head. But what's the point? I think of you the rest of the day. Like when I finally got my new bow and arrow set. Like when I hear a funny story on the NPR. Like when I come across a puzzling article about Singapore on the NYT. What about the new season premiere of HIMYM next week? Not talking to you is supposed to make me forget about you, move on with my life, and in the general spirit of that those which do not kill me make me stronger. I miss you and wonder how you are doing. Are you finally happy? Satisfied with life? Sure, I've told my friends that you are the ONE, but only one person so far has seemed to be impressed by that. I'm not and never will be perfect. I'm not going to win any personality contest, wow people with my athletic prowess, impress you with my knowledge in wine/music/art history, or entertain friends with a delightful house party. Gosh, I would be looking elsewhere too if I were a girl. However, there are moments when I can convince myself that a relationship built on trust and mutual respect for each other's ideals and aspiration can overcome any other shortcoming. Without respect for the other person's career, it would be dangerously easy to demand sacrifice from that person for the sake of the relationship. There are enough insecurity when two people are together. It's hard to imagine a life when one has to worry about both the relationship and one's career. This is usually the point when the line "you complete me" comes up and also the point when I come to my senses and realize things I wish for only happen in movies. I know I'm competing against a ridiculously high standard that I can't even imagine, let alone live up to. What's the point? I hope you can find and hold on to the happiness you are looking for. Someone recently used the phrase "incandescently happy" which struck me as quite ridiculous, but I hope you will find that one day (perhaps on match day). But short of that, perhaps "intermittently enthralled" by your work will suffice. I may or may not call you. You may or may not read this. I may or may not get over you. And we may or may not see each other again. But I know you will find what makes you happy one day. Let me know when that day comes, and I will drink to that.
Today, it was one of those rare summer days in SF--the sun was out. As I was driving back into the city, the sight, the sound and the feel of driving on the Bay Bridge are starting to feel like home to me after a year. Then I was blindsided again. Zipping through the linear shadows cast by the steel beam over head, it reminded me how easily she used to get car sick because of the shadows when we drove through the tree-lined neighborhoods. I wondered if she still does that. Dammit. I thought about her a second time tonight as I finally got around to shred the papers that she left for me to dispose. Two baskets of confetti later I finally felt a little better. I wish if only it is that easy. I wonder how those people at Enron felt after their massive shredding party.
Question: How long is eternity?
Has it only been a week? It feels like forever since I last talked to her. Of course, this has also been a busy and stressful week. I'm back on in the OR taking care of sick newborns and infants, and nothing gets one's adrenaline going like a concoction of blue babies and a lack of confidence. The hectic week was a blessing--helped to keep my mind off everything else. Now it's the three-day weekend, and looking back, it seems so long ago that we sat across a table, and shared a set of ear buds listening to TAL. Yet, as I was deleting my daily automated emails from match.com, my mind kept flying back that autumn night in 2003 in the Rendevous Cafe, like it was yesterday. Yes, we won't be talking anymore. I know I can do it now. I also realize the temptation will always be there because of last month, because how easy and how natural it felt. I tell myself it's because of convenience, because of reminiscence, but most importantly, I tell myself it's over. For the rest of my life, if that's what it takes, if that's what she needs to be happy. 7 years had seemed to be forever I barely remember the man I was then. What will I become in 7 years? How about 7 years after that? We all got about a dozen of 7 years before it all runs out, and what lies beyond that? I'm still an atheist, but I imagine it's such midlife contemplations that make agnostics and born-agains out of "sinners" like me. My last date had ended in a quick and merciful rejection. Was I too subdued? Was I too cool? Was I not "athletic and toned" enough? The irony is that I think I am better person now than I was 7 years ago, but maybe that's not good enough. When you are 26 you can afford to be flawed. When you are 33, you don't see potentials, only the imperfections. I know things will work out. Nothing last forever, so I keep telling myself.
Question: What would you do if you can't be a ____(you current job)?
I love being a doctor, more specifically an anesthesiologist. I think my work is important. I feel it is a mixture of science, experience and art. Yes, other people make more money with far less school/training. Other have more freedom with their time and less responsibility. But truth be told, being a doctor is a power trip--I see you at your weakest moments, I put needles and tubes into your body, and I put you to sleep, relieve the pain, wipe the memory, not to mention controlling the working of your heart and lungs. I have seen things that cannot be unseen and done things that laymen would not understand. Do I feel superior to a banker or a lawyer, what do you think? I don't think I could have handled such responsibilities when I was 22 years old, and I still question my worthiness 10 years later.
Just a few days ago, I would not have traded anesthesia for anything else in medicine. But I've changed my mind. Had I seen it first hand in med school, I may well have chosen pediatric surgery as a career instead. Working with children, infants and newborns are surprisingly rewarding and satisfying. I don't even like kids most of the time, but I can't help but get a warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach at the end of the cases when their tonsils are out, their chemo catheters are removed, or their obstructed intestines are fixed. And the same pediatric surgeon did all of the cases: whether it was an ex lap or a thorascopic resection. I can't imagine the length of his training, but be able to fix something in a child and improving his or her quality of life and time that by the life expectancy, it is goddamn awesome. So count me jealous.
